AT THE MOVIES - '2012' offers pure special effect entertainment

*** "2012"

As with family-friendly franchises, foreign horror movie remakes, and actor Ryan Reynolds, apocalyptic action flicks exist as pickable, profitable scabs in Hollywood. Though the jury's still out on Reynolds, cataclysmic, effect-stuffed spectacles remain appealing in their ability to distract and indulge. Unfortunately, such guilty pleasures tend to call for equal parts hot air and processed cheese.

Joining the Velveeta-elite is Roland Emmerich's "2012," an inflated disaster film about, you guessed it, the end of the world set in - wait for it - the year 2012. Loosely inspired by the New Age belief that all of humankind will perish three years from now (a theory influenced by the Mayan Long Count calendar end date, which happens to be 12/21/12), Emmerich sets up our planet's demise with a scientific warning concerning the Earth's core.

The altruistic Adrian (Chiwetel Ejiofor), chief science adviser to the president of the United States, Thomas Wilson (Danny Glover, aka the poor man's Morgan Freeman, speaking with a Batmanish cadence), is given notice in 2009 that a massive solar flare has marked the beginning of the end for our planet. To prepare for evacuation, Wilson approves the private construction of several expensive arks built to save a portion of select citizens when the world starts to collapse.

And collapse it does, but not before we meet our main protagonist, Jackson Curtis (John Cusack), a struggling writer, limo driver, and divorced father of two with an ex-wife (Amanda Peet) in a steady relationship with a successful plastic surgeon. Curtis is our charming underdog, as we follow his plight to save his family (even the ex's new beau, what a guy) during a number of highly digitized action sequences featuring tectonic splits, tsunamis, crashing urban structures, explosions, clouds of smoke, volcanic fireballs, even airlifted jungle creatures.

Competing with disaster are our secondary baddies and heroes; Oliver Platt as Carl, the sneering, selfish chief of staff, and Thandie Newton as Laura, President Wilson's considerate, soft-spoken daughter. And since we're pushing a three-hour run-time, why not spackle in some more character development? Adrian's father, Adrian's father's friend, Adrian's father's friend's son; and let's not forget the crazy conspiracy theorist/pirate radio broadcaster in the Yellowstone mountains who propels Curtis into apocalypse-averting overdrive. His name is Charlie, he's played by Woody Harrelson sporting googly eyes and a shoulder-length wig, and he's every bit as ridiculous as the middle of this sentence.

In fact, Emmerich's entire opus thrives on ridiculousness, self-aware, and rightfully so, of its own absurdity. Big-budget effect sequences are largely impressive, despite a scene with Cusack behind the wheel of his character's limo, driving while dodging calamity at top speed, putting Tom Cruise's improbable highway cruise in "War of the Worlds" to shame. Speaking of Cruise, it's nice to see talented B-listers getting top billing in popcorn-flicks (The Robert Downey Jr. Effect inspires all). Especially the underrated Ejiofor, compassionately crinkling his brow and projecting as if he were vying for a Tony on Broadway.

And with dialogue so innocuous and unrefined - one-liners abound - if a character were to break into song during one of the many perilous events, it wouldn't have been out of the question. Emmerich has released his fair share of "the end is here" movies before ("Independence Day" and "The Day After Tomorrow,") and like his previous features, "2012" is hell-bent on milking its budget and run-time.

Make no mistake, Emmerich's latest is godawful, and it doesn't care. There are no grand twists, no showboating egos, no social commentary, no bid for critical appreciation. "2012" is strictly for ticket-payers and back-row snarkers; its unsophistication is calculated and successful. Just as the first "Transformers" feature and the last "Die Hard" entry existed as hearty, vapid entertainment for franchise fans, Emmerich's latest fulfills the flashy expectations of cinematic Armageddon enthusiasts. Let it be judged not by its finesse, but by its foolhardiness.

- Now playing at CinemaWorld, Lincoln, 622 George Washington Highway, 401-333-8676, cinemaworldonline.com .