By Dr. Ann Frank

Dear Dr. Frank: I'm in my mid-30s and married to a handsome, sexy guy I love to death.

We own our own home. We have money in the bank. We have two very active pre-school kids, and I also have a 25-hour-a-week job.

I'm happy, but I walk around exhausted. I keep dreaming about a special vacation, someplace where nobody cries "Mommy!" and where someone else cooks and cleans, runs the errands, and answers the telephone.

I don't want my husband to come with me. His idea of relaxing is to have sex - but that's the last thing on my mind. All I can think of is a good night's sleep. Don't tell me to get outside help with the housework, because I know I'm the only one who can do it right. When my husband is home from work he isn't keen on sharing domestic chores, and when he tries, he doesn't do a good job. With all that I do, am I being a bad wife for wanting to get away?

A. The late Dr. Harriet Braiker, an authority on stress management, wrote: "Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." And, are you ever demoralized!

There are only 24 hours in a day, and you're filling them to overflowing with your endless list of to-do's and your insistence on handling everything yourself.

Also wearing on you is a building resentment toward that "handsome, sexy guy" whom you love to death - but who's not quite as exacting as you. Nothing is more debilitating than anger. It saps us physically and emotionally. I think it's the real source of your exhaustion and diminished libido.

You say that sex relaxes your husband. But you need to be relaxed before you can even think about lovemaking. That's not going to happen until you understand that household and child care responsibilities aren't just yours - they belong to both of you and must be shared.

You need to accept that neither of you is perfect, and that there may be more than one way to fold a towel, set a table, or tie a shoelace. Give your husband a chance, and praise him for the effort instead of resenting that he falls short of your standard.

And, both of you - not just you - need separate parent-child times. A few hours a week where he and the kids have an outing of their own will go a long way toward giving you the quiet time you need - for a manicure, a walk, a book, or a leisurely shower.

Maybe that's the night to get the kids to bed early, get out the candles, and have a late dinner. Put on music. After, when you nestle into bed, start talking. Talk about you. Talk about him. Talk about dreams. But don't talk about the kids or money. And don't stop there. Talk about what you used to like (do you catch my drift?) and what you would like now. Pillow talk will reduce the tension and increase the action - and pretty soon, sleep won't be the only thing on your mind.

You might just find that your ideal "vacation" spot is a lot closer to home than you imagined.

Frankly...

Today's subject has a serious case of "blivit," a blivit being what my late father called five pounds of manure in a three-pound bag. No wonder she's about to blow her stack.

In addition to what I advised above, I can suggest a fast-acting panacea on days when for one reason or another - the PMS factor being among them - her patience is limited: Chocolate! It's not as cavalier as it sounds: Chemicals in chocolate are known to have a calming effect. Just don't get lulled into becoming a heavyweight.

- Ann M. Frank is a clinical psychologist licensed in Rhode Island, Massachusetts and New York. In private practice in Lincoln, R.I., she can be reached in care of this newspaper or at Dr.Ann76@cox.net. The column provides general guidelines, but is not a substitute for professional psychotherapy.