FRANKLY SPEAKING - Thoughts on turning 40

Dear Dr. Frank:

I have a vivid memory of my mother at 40 - she was "old" - and now, I'm the one who's turning the Big 4-0. Where did all this time go? It's like being at the top of a rollercoaster looking down, and I'm freaking. I eat right and work out, but I still hate what I see in the mirror. I used to joke about Botox for my frown lines and crow's feet, but not any more.

I've warned my husband and parents, and all my friends, to treat my birthday just like any other day. I don't want a party, cake or gifts. I just want it to go away.

A. Try as you might, you can't deny gravity or the calendar.

You're "freaking" because you're sagging and creasing. And although some authors describe the 40s as the new 30s, you recognize that no amount of exercise, diet, or plastic surgery can erase the truth.

This birthday marks your official entry into midlife; it's proof that you're not young anymore.

Indeed, at 40 we first glimpse mortality.

The average life expectancy for an American woman is 80.4 years, according to the latest data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

That means as of age 40, there are only 14,756 days left (but who's counting?).

Reality hits hard - truly, from the moment of birth the days of our lives have been ticking down.

Right about now you're probably wishing that you could take some of them back, and that's why turning 40 is such a compelling time for review - and for preview.

It's the reason so many women your age come to see me.

Let me share with you some of what I encourage them to do:

Begin by reconciling regrets about the decisions you've made, and about the ones you may have postponed. You must also come to terms with opportunities that have been lost forever.

The self-scrutiny cuts deep when people ask themselves:

Should I stay in this marriage or get a divorce? Is it too late to have a child? Will I ever find someone? Am I stuck in this job, or can I do something else? Am I smart enough to go back to school? Can I change careers? What do I want to do with the rest of my life?

Second, take a thorough inventory of your strengths, and weigh them against your shortcomings.

Examine your talents and abilities. Consider how you might parse them out in the coming years. Assess your tolerance to take whatever life-changing risks might yet yield happiness and inner peace.

Next, think about the experiences you've lived through, and what you've learned about yourself.

Now, draw from this wisdom and build upon the confidence that comes from it. Be flexible. Then with a sense of hope, start plotting a pathway to your future.

And, most importantly, adjust your attitude. After all, 40 really is just a number. It's up to you whether it denotes the old age of your youth, or the youth of your old age.

Frankly ...

Even if you decide not to formally celebrate your 40th birthday, you should find a way to make every moment count. In the words of American critic and commentator Alexander Woolcott: "There is no such thing in anyone's life as an unimportant day."

- Ann M. Frank, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist licensed in Rhode Island, Massachusetts, and New York. In private practice in Smithfield, she can be reached by e-mail at Dr.Ann76@cox.net, or in care of this newspaper. The column provides general guidelines, but is not a substitute for professional psychotherapy.