Blogs | Ethan Shorey

What I learned from The Battle of the Five Armies

Even though I love all things Hobbit/Lord of the Rings, it was still a little much to see the latest installment, “The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies,” twice in one week. So the second time through, I decided to keep myself entertained by writing down some random thoughts. Here goes:

• Hobbits have superior feet. Dwarves have the best eyebrows. Elves win easily for the nicest hair.

• Orcs win both the most ugly and least likely to win a hand-to-hand battle awards.

• Sometimes all it takes to kill an armed and armored orc is a well-placed head butt.

• Elves are even lighter on their feet than we first thought.

• Dwarves, men and elves all have supremely selfish motives. The only ones with the pure motives are hobbits.

• Hobbits are the only creatures allowed to talk back.

• Eagles are so distracting they’ll keep you from finishing off your giant orc foe when his back is turned.

• Love is only real love if you’re willing to die for it.

• The true love kiss can only happen after one of us dies.

• Bard might be noble, but he’s also incredibly stupid. Why else would you entrust Alfred with all the important tasks, including protecting your family?

• The arrows never run out unless it’s the most critical juncture of the most critical battle.

• Legolas (Orlando Bloom) is much older when he goes to look for Strider than when he actually finds him.

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